When the calendar reaches its last page, one thought immediately comes to mind: Christmas is finally here. The wind grows colder, sending a shiver across my skin as I see several of my neighbours decorated their homes with colorful Christmas trinkets, the city fills up with the brightness of Christmas Lights spreading across the streets, and people rushing to the malls for their last-minute Christmas shopping.

This is the same scenario we always witness during this time of the year. It’s full of glistening star lights, exciting laughs from children while singing Christmas Carols, and people smiling from ear to ear as they reunite with their loved ones.

But there is something different about this coming Christmas. There’s this void inside of me that I couldn’t fill, and there are no exact words to fathom this feeling. The emptiness overwhelms me and everything around me seem to be more quiet than usual.

I sat quietly on the cold bench and tried to reminisce about the memories I had from my last Christmas, hoping that the answer only just lies in mind. The wind silently whispers as the deafening silence surrounds me with my own thoughts to decipher. But now it hits me. The answers just simply this: I was no longer the kid I used to be from last Christmas seasons.

I go back to those moments I cherished. I remember waking up early in the morning as kids passed by our house singing for presents, and we would give them candies or sometimes a small amount of money. Back then, I used to be the one who eagerly went from house to house asking for “Pamasko.”

That same excitement followed me long before the holidays arrived. Months ahead, before the season began, I had already started gathering plastic bottles and cans to make a “Boga,” a homemade noisemaker, hoping to use it to drive away negative energies up until the New Year. It was also believed that it’s a means to welcome a new chapter with good luck, though it was hard to make. As dangerous as it was, it remained one of the fun moments I always looked forward to.

That moment made me realize that every second I had spent with everyone made life seem simpler back then. Reminiscing all of it makes me want to go back and do it all over again, even just for a short while.

But this Christmas season, that spark never felt the same as a grown up. My friends invited me to go view the Christmas park that would have made me feel excited, but I didn’t feel the same enthusiasm as I did anymore, and I felt myself growing distant from the person I was back then.

The spark I had for Christmas was slowly fading. However, I knew somewhere inside that it was not too far gone. It’s still there; hiding, resting, or perhaps waiting for the right moment to ignite again. Whether it’s a hobby I do during Christmas that I once loved or the feeling of the old Christmas I long to experience once more. It’s still there, and always will be. Because I know growing up doesn’t take away the excitement; the way we see things just change just like we do. Overtime, we learn that some lessons are so challenging that they can dim our enthusiasm for certain things, even if it’s only temporary.

Eventually, we learn that time itself is not meant to harm us, but to teach us. And the emptiness we feel is not loss, but adjustment—adjusting to what we want now, not to what we once did. We think things have changed, when in truth, we are just growing up and changing like the seasons. Just like Christmas, we say it is no longer the same because we yearn to feel the same excitement from the past, but as we grow older and wiser, we must also find other ways to make our Christmas just as merry as everyone else’s.

Although the spark may have run out, the nostalgia and excitement we once had will always remain. We may have rid ourselves that youthful joy, but we’ll always find new ones to look forward to—we’ll explore and learn new things during this time of the year, no matter our age and the situation we are in, to rekindle the spirit of Christmas as it once did when we were younger.

Article by John Elemar Restor